part 4

Anyway, in '91 the band ended for me and I had a divorce from my wife. I let my wife stay in my house and I went and got an apartment to smooth things over. The house was for sale so I figured I'd let her stay there until it we sold it and then we'd split the proceeds. Except that never happened, so I lost out on everything even my down payment. I pretty much lost everything between the divorce and a huge habit (thousands a week). I was broke. I thought I was made of money, but I never checked the books 'cause I just didn't want to know and I just let myself fall into a real bummer scene. I didn't care about anything including myself. It was me and my black Labrador against the world. That was us. I was just on my own. I didn't have any friends or anything. The band just ignored me. I was the fucking bad guy.

I got really drugged out and my health started getting weird and I was in the hospital and the doctor asked me if I'd been checked out for HIV and I said yes. And she said, "Do you mind if I check it again?" Then I started getting all these messages from her and I thought: Oh, boy! I know what this means ' cause if I was negative she wouldn't be trying to trace me down.

This was in about '94 that I found out that I was positive and I hedged on that with the press for years cause I didn't know what to think or make of it. So that just led to more drugs and real true depression. I tried to kill myself...the whole nine yards. Some people can call you a wimp, but I'd like to see them go through what I went through in a matter of a year and not have the feelings that I did. I was very close to being homeless. Nobody offered to help me out. That hurt so bad that I couldn't even see or talk to the guys in Ratt. Sometimes when I would get real destitute, I'd call them up and say, "Hey, can I borrow some money until we get our next publishing check?" And they'd be like "No!"

Later on, Stephen did lend me a little money, but this was after years had gone by and they found out that I was sick. That softened them up to the tune of about $100.

I have full-blown AIDS. Basically, it's killing me. I've got a terminal disease. Recently, I went in for surgery cause my back hurt so bad, and they got all this infectious fluid out and then they found that my bones were not getting oxygen under the infectious fluid which is called osteomyalitis. I've been in the hospital for eight straight months and in and out for over seven years.

I'm sure the drug use didn't help. Nikki Sixx and I had gotten into the heroin thing together. He was supposed to be the best man at my wedding and he didn't even come ' cause there was going to be people drinking and that was when he had just gone through his rehab thing. That really fried my ass. So, we didn't talk for a few years and he'd never lend me money or anything either. They didn't want me to just shoot it up my arm, I guess? But now, I've put all that behind me. I just wanted to live. I wanna pull myself together and do some music. I've been clean for about 15 months now (July 2001) and it's helped me feel better. I can't wait to get out of here and work.

Music and everything left a bad taste in my mouth, but when I get out of here, Juan and I and a lot of friends are going to do an album. I've got a lot of great music and some of the proceeds will go to the AIDS Health Foundation. I want to give back to the people that have helped me. I want to give back AIDS Foundation. When was the last time that there was an album like this done?

Anyway, this is going to be a good rock album and for people who are still into hard rock. I will absolutely play on it. I've been playing all along. I play right here in the hospital! I just can't say how long I have. I don't know if we are getting anywhere with the antibiotics, or the surgeries. I'm pretty much out. That's why I want to do this album so bad. I just want people to know that I'm not a complete loser. I do care for them and they care for me. I mean the amount of email I receive (via Juan Croucier's site: www.juancroucier.com) is just phenomenal.

Juan and I pretty much always talked. We never really fought. He's just a little bit savvier than some. I don't know how to say that without putting other people down 'cause I don't want to do that. He and I always had rapport. We were born real close together and we had just a little bit more education.

Stephen will sometimes get a hold of me. We went out, not to long ago, and had dinner and he lent me $80. Warren, Bobby and I had lunch a few months ago and it seemed pretty forced. I don't know what their problem is. I just don't get it. I think they just feel really bad that they let the whole thing...we never should have broken up. We should have just taken a righteous hiatus, a year or two or whatever it took. I mean people were burned out. Shit, we did an album a year for six years in a row. It was like Ratt N Roll, Ratt N Roll, Ratt N Roll...whoopee! We needed some fresh air.

In 1996, I came out from Texas with the intention that we were going to put the band back together. Then Warren got with me and he was like, "Well, you know maybe if we do this record (Collage) we'll let you play on a track or something." I was like, "What? You mean I just moved all the fucking way back here (California) and you punks are going to tell me that you'll 'let me play." I just couldn't fucking believe it! I never even heard that record or the Kalodner record. I just have no interest.

Now, they're doing this thing that really blows my mind and calling it Ratt. I'm sure they sound pretty good and why not? With Corabi and Jizzy. How could they sound bad? I don't understand why they didn't change the name. They could have gotten a new deal. They could have had a new bag. I think it's stupid. I mean with a new singer it's just dumb to call it Ratt and I sure as shit don't understand why Stephen is doing it too with a bunch of guys who had nothing to do with it. I'm sorta surprised he didn't ask me to do it. We could have, at least, been two guys, but that would have been really lame too.

The main thing is that I want to gain some respect back because I think most people have written me off as a complete loser and that really hurts me because I worked overtime hard on Ratt.

I also had a great band there for a while with Secret Service, but we never really got a singer together and I was using heavily. The music was good and the band was excellent. I think it would have done quite well, although it was at that time when music was changing. I've got a demo (for Secret Service) that may come out as an EP in Japan.

I hope this whole thing (the interview) just opens everybody's eyes up to the fact that I'm a good guitar player and good writer and I always was and that I haven't lost anything. I just lost my way in the dark. When you're as polluted as I was, it's just hard to find your way home, but now I feel strong and I'm dying to get out there. This whole thing (the album with Juan) came up in the last couple of months. I can't sleep or think about anything else. If we had a singer, drummer, bass player, blah blah blah that was good and a band thing came out of it, I'd love to do some shows, but that's a hard thing to do. I'm plenty strong enough, but I wouldn't do it with Ratt 'cause they didn't ask me.

I ate, slept and drank rock n' roll since I was 10 years old and my dreams have all come true and then some and have been dashed against the rocks by some people that I didn't even really respect at times. I always thought that I had a lot more going for me and I walked away from it. I never came back and said, "Hey, fuck those guys they don't know what they're talking about." I just walked away and let them have their little fun day 'cause I knew that without me they'd suck. Without all five guys I don't think it's Ratt. I just think it's kind of weird that they're calling it Ratt. What's up with that? It seems to me that they could have made more money by having a new band.

I think Juan's new band, Liquid Sunday, does good music. It's not the kind of thing I'm going to be doing. I'm into much harder rock than that, but that's the kind of thing Juan has always been into...pop with a hard undertone, but that's not what I'm going to be doing with him and he knows that. I won't do any lead vocals on the album, but I may do lines here and there more as an affect. There are a few things I'd like to say and to have me say them and have them have meaning. I want to have fun with this thing and I want it to be fun. I want people to enjoy it and really get a kick out of it. You should run out and get it this record 'cause it's for a good cause and a good man who's giving his heart and soul to rock n' roll. We can leave it at that.

Thank you Mitch I really appreciate this. I'm thanking you and God bless!"

.:. Fine .:.